Internet Presence

I am now 35 years old and I am the healthiest I have ever been - mentally, physically, emotionally. I suppose I am just wondering how social media fits into my life at this moment in time.

My OnlyFans deleted this morning. I put in the deletion request nearly a month ago, but the account had to stay active until each paying member’s subscription ended. Despite a lack of promotion due to fear of it interfering with my professional life as a children’s art teacher, I found some successes. For a while, I was in the top 35% of all creators. My page was more artistic and nudist than sexual, for the most part. It featured music videos with scenes of nudity, yoga sequences in the nude, and lots of self-portraits with a similar tone to my Instagram photos, just with less clothes. To be completely honest, I have some relief that it is gone. The thrill died very quickly after I published it earlier this year. It had been something I wanted to do years ago but I was afraid of word getting around to Grandma while I was her live-in caregiver. I fulfilled the desire only to realize the desire was no longer there.

In addition to that, I deactivated my Bluesky account, which was directly related to my OnlyFans. When I deactivated it, I had 14.8 thousand followers. That was difficult to let go, not only because of the quantity, but also the quality of the community there. I exclusively followed gay men and queer nonbinary people on that app. There were people I messaged or chatted with nearly every day. Some conversations have moved over to my Instagram, but many people have completely wiped their presence on Meta apps. Of all the social media, Meta is probably the most morally corrupt in my opinion, yet it is so engrained into my daily life that it is hard to imagine letting Instagram go.

It’s ironic that I try so hard to become known online, then once I gain significant traction, I leave. I had 16.8 thousand followers on TikTok before deleting it because it sold out to Oracle and became an American entity under the Trump administration. Knowing that it was affiliated with Trump was enough for me to let go. I don’t remember the exact number, but I had over 10 thousand followers on Twitter when Elon bought that. I deleted my account in protest (even though Britney Spears followed me). Clearly she had not forgotten me though because she posted my painting on her Instagram four times last month.

I wish I didn’t care about social media. Sometimes I go on dates and guys will tell me that they don’t have social media or they have an account but rarely use it. It is hard for me to fathom what my life would look like if social media was not a factor. The truth is, though, that I enjoy it. I enjoy the connection, the sharing, and the validation. My relationship to social media has shifted a lot over the years. I think the healthiness of my relationship to it ebbs and flows. I remember being in middle school and updating my Xanga every day. Then MySpace. Then Facebook. And all the other mainstream ones. When a new app would be released, I would try it. I’ve had accounts on social media apps that I can’t even remember the names of anymore.

I am now 35 years old and I am the healthiest I have ever been - mentally, physically, emotionally. I suppose I write this because I am just wondering how social media fits into my life at this moment in time. Does it serve me at all?

I’d love to hear about your relationship to social media in the comments.

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